Well hi .
I’m back .
I don’t really know how to start this post …. And neither do I actually know what I’m here for .
So I guess I shall do ,five more facts about me and maybe a short post of my feelings .
1) I contemplate about suicide every.single.day.
Yeah go on , judge me . I mean , I seem like a very cheerful person , do I ?
But really , I think about it all the time . It’s not that I want to or anything , but it’s just part of me that I am very, very used to . It’s like my ‘ safety blanket ‘ sadly , noone can actually steal that away no matter how hard they try , so I’m pretty much relaxed in a way .
2) I think about self harming ALOT .
It sounds quite ironic actually , because I stopped cutting ever since I have been left alone . I wish I could but I know I won’t stop until I drop dead maybe . Yeah it’s not as deep or am as addicted to other girls out there , but sometimes it’s just feels better to SEE the pain and feel it rather than being mentally , emotionally in pain and not see it but feeling it .
3) I do not like socializing . Oh fuck , I HATE it . I hate hate hate . I do not like to talk to strangers despite if they’re friendly or anything , I don’t . I only have a group of girls I can rant to . That’s all . Two of them are more … Easy-going . Like they will wait for me to speak finish and then talk to me about it or agree to me about it especially if I am raging .
I do not like talking to people who keeps telling me to ‘ Chill ‘ because really , that’ll only make me get piss off even more .
I look and soundly very friendly right ? But no really , I hate all of you . I do not like socializing . And that’s that I guess . I .just .hate. it .
Fuck it’s even better if you ignore me and not talk to me because I do not like ‘ chatting ‘ . More on this maybe later on .
4) I am a veryyyyy dark person inside . It could be pass off as depression maybe ? Oh fuck , great . And this my dear friends , I never show the full of it . It would kill you in a heartbeat .
5) I push people away . And when I do , please do not come back because it does irks me , BY ALOT . It’s either you’re not fit to be in my life or you’re a fag . End of story .
A friend of mine asked me a few days ago , ‘ why do you have so much of these , ’emo-ish’ ( I assume she says depressing lol ) pictures in your phone ? ‘
Why not ? Is it bad that I have only quoted or ‘dark’ pictures to actually able to related most of my feelings ?
Or is it sad that I actually have to ‘rely’ on these pictures to remind me how I really, truly , feel because it seems like No one I know actually , like fucking literally , feels the same way as I am ? Or is it depressing that I feel like a living proof of why I am oh-so- ungrateful and shouldn’t be in this world ?
I feel disgusted when people look thru my stuff . I’m sorry but I really do . It’s good enough that I actually ‘AGREED’ on letting you touch my phone , so what really gives you the right to comment on my life ? Those pictures are ‘ my life ‘ . They make up the life I never had the guts to tell the truth out . Tch . Purely disgusted .
I hate it when people does this . It’s not as if I snatch people’s phone and go thru all their stuff without asking for their permission -_-
It’s VERY tempting to self harm especially at night . Very very very . It’s literally where all the poisonous thoughts appeared and corrupt and fill my brain .
But I can’t because I have friends who judge . Friends that didn’t try to help at all but judge . So much for friends I guess .
In a heartbeat.
And another one .
It’s one of the nicest , realistic truth I’ve ever heard . So painful , so deep , so sweet , so fulfilling , so… Calming .
I fucking hate it . Ask me a question or two it’s fine . Do not ‘chat ‘ or try to make a conversation with me . As much as I sound very playful , nice , everything and anything , I . Do . Not . Like . Doing . This .
Please get the hint when I sound bored at the slightest .
Because I am boring and I push people away before they push me away . And please do not try to come back . Please . The last thing I need is a burden more . The last thing ….before I plan to leave it all behind .
Which is more selfish ? Which is worst ? Which is more ironic ? Which …. Is?
This this and this .
The last ,
I love to inflict pain and blood oozing out . It gives me a sense of relief . I need that relief…
It’s a bit of a sadistic thinking I know . But I guess , sometimes when you realize that when you take in Reality , it’s too much for your own good . This is it .
Till next time xx