Today .
It’s such a horrible day to talk about I don’t even know if I should talk about it or not because then it would be me remembering all that had happened .

My family is never the type to have sadness around in the household . My family “doesn’t allow it ” because it would dishearten everyone’s spirit just because of that one person so actually in this family , we are very ……. individual or so to speak.

As the youngest and the only ‘girl’ in the family , I tend to be very…. Emotional . That’s pretty predictable in my case because I am the one being spoilt on in the family.

But the thing about me is I can’t handle sadness well. I can’t take it well at all. People would either cry or get back up on their feet and fight but me? I would cry and do things far worst after that and cry and just cry and fucking cry. I do not take sadness well.

Cry> Relapse > cry . Repeat .
And right now it’s so hard to talk about how I really feel because I’m trying so hard to not choke on my tears behind close doors with one hand on the blade . This is something , a fight I probably can’t win for now……… Just not today I guess .

And about today.
I had a talk with jo today. Partially somehow I guess . Part of me was trying to focus on what my teacher was talking about another part of me was trying not to because the topic she was on was about relationship .
It was a very…. Heavy session for me especially with Jo talking about stuff alittle of you and alittle of past relationships .
Oh wait I’ve forgot, you’re in my past .

That whole hour was unbearable I could have swore I would have broken down on the spot if I could and probably ran out of the classroom and jump down . It was that bad I couldn’t really look at anyone not even him . My anxiety was probably trying to seep thru covers of the walls of my smashed heart by the time we were about to end class .
And then I had one of the most agonizing ride back home because all I could look was my arm still healing from yesterday’s session which I couldn’t remember me doing it at all .

Reaching home was the worst part because that’s where the memories flood right back into my mind with the help of his words and questions that were said during class .

And one of the worst stuff that could happen to me again is gaining back my weight . I’ve been becoming so fat again I just lost motivation to be any better than where I am now . It’s really eating me up.

It’s getting really hard for me and no one understands that . If it happened months back I probably wouldn’t have mind anymore but it’s not . It’s been a month and I’ve let it happened on me .twice.

I probably deserved this.

supposed 7th month.


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