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Blackouts.

My blackouts seems to occur more often nowadays .
On alternate days I would just be on the bench where we sat once and I would stare into space on the spot you once sat when we had our first date .
And then I would see my wrist with dried up crimson red on other days wondering how I did it .

It’s getting worst and I have no control over it soon. It’s getting so bad to the fact I’m just back to crying to sleep. So bad that I would “wake up” from my blackout session and see my hands shaking while my blade is on my other hand . So bad that seeing my own arm triggers me . So bad that I would just be like I was in a trance when I do shit to myself . Some days I would ” wake up” from my blackout and could have swore that I felt your presence right beside me holding me, patting me soothing me to stop and wake up . Some days where I would pick on myself critically and cry with my shaking hands covering my hands trying to muffle my cries . It’s getting so bad that I would constantly look at my phone hoping that Your number will be on my screen telling you want me back but I know even if that ever happens I can’t let myself risk for the third time . It’s getting so bad that friends would ask me out and I would “be sick ” every time .
It’s getting so bad I think about you without resting at all I just think and think and think . It’s getting so bad that seeing scars makes me unhappy I just want to slash my arm off. It’s getting so back that I’m almost back to being addicted with seeing me bleeding . It’s getting so bad that some days I would look down the balcony window and imagine how my death could look like.

It just gets worse everyday and I know for the fact when I have my next upcoming blackouts, I will try to take my own life again .

Someone hold my smashed heart . X

//0 days. Again. //

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