3rd June 2014
It’s 6:47am now .
I just had a hearty breakfast with Kelly .
It was really good except the part where I had to talk about you . I had to brace myself up not to cry and maybe have a little faith that things might be okay again.
It’s not like I had to talk about you , but in my mind it was all about you . I would be lying if I said you left my mind even for the slightest moment .
It’s been 21 days since we last talked , creepy I know , I counted haha.
Knowing that I spent that amount of time without you , man , it was very…… Itchy. My arms were itching for blades and my skin would puff up after every cut across with tiny spillage of blood flowing out , aching for more .And that wasn’t the worse part yet.
I couldn’t sleep.
And every time I do I’ll wake up with tears streaming down my face praying you’ll come back just like how you did in my dreams .
But Dream or nightmare tho ? I can never quite figure it out .
Just like tonight before I decided to head down for breakfast , I wanted to fall asleep so bad but I couldn’t because my mind was filled with thoughts of you.
And so I decided to study for my upcoming exam , it did help a bit since I couldn’t fall asleep lol but that wasn’t the point , it was that it felt like you’re in my head , constantly lingering around like a lost soul in an empty house.
It’s hard living a life like this you know that? Every day you get reminded how much of a person you really are to people and the way the people around me expresses themselves out is that with or without me , they’re still gonna live their life . Just like you and what you’re doing right now . And it hurts terribly to the point I can feel my heart almost ache again when it has already been … Shattered .
It’s hard seeing that you’re better off without me just like you did before . But I’m happy for you I guess …..
At least you’re happy , it doesn’t matter what you did to my heart whether you ripped it , tore it apart followed by shredding and smashing it into dust , as long as you’re happy . I’ll be okay with where I stand hopefully that thought stays for long because God knows how a day goes by with me feeling triggered all the time when my arms are officially a messed . My own arms triggers me my thoughts are nothing but deadly it just feeds unto my soul sucking every last bit left of happiness .
Both my arms are disfigured to the point that there is no way I could hide them for a long period of time until the scars disappear like nothing ever did happened .
And you know what’s the worst part ?
I gotta live with all of this up till today. God knows how long more can I take it trying to feel more dead than I already can be .
Then it spoke to me tonight .
You can’t conceal it , you just gotta live with it so no point hiding it while you see people around you noticing how you would pull Down your sleeve every so often , not eat as much as you often do or even eat anything at all , how skinny you’ve become , how you would always look pale and dead all the fucking time , only to realize what you’ve done to yourself to feel alive .
And it’s disgusting . Disgusting because when people notice they would ask and they would force the answer out of you and then criticize your behavior and make you promise not to do it anymore but you know you can’t do that because you can’t help to just slash yourself across your arm from time to time .
And it’s also sad . Sad because people would either empathize or find you attention seeking and kill your already dead spirit and you want none of it at all.
N o n e .
You just don’t stop once you start .