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Things are different now .

I don’t really know how to put it .

I’m struggling so hard to get myself back on my feet . I have to let my skin heal before I do anything else on it . I predict it’ll take a month before it probably recover fully . Things are getting hard especially when it’s holidays for me now . I used to spent them with you. Talking makes me anxious , being so weight obsessed makes me anxious , trying to purge makes me anxious which makes me most of the time being behind my locked doors having illusions of anything and everything that keeps me feeling nothing. Pure , raw numbness.

I couldn’t eat let alone sleep well . I would wake up in the middle of the night crying and praying desperately that things aren’t the way it’s supposed to be for me now and then I’ll fall asleep crying . Each day my wounds and scars on my arms I would touch them and it would remind me of the pain I’ve inflicted on myself to the pain you gave when you decided you couldn’t put up with me anymore and leave .

I guess it’s okay. Everyone leaves but you’re one of the few that makes an impact on me .

I’ll probably get better but then again I probably won’t . I won’t take my chances .

I hope leaving me all shattered and smashed again was the right choice because I don’t want you to appear in my life of any way ever. Don’t try to slip in-between the cracks because that would show how much of a cunt you are because you couldn’t love me as a whole even when I was at my weakest , most vulnerable , most depressed & conflicting state .

Of course I still love you , without a doubt yes but love shouldn’t be like this . Love should be accepting all kind of flaws the other has big or small , impactful or not, harsh or not just everything . Love is embracing their flaws even when they can’t do it themselves .

But then again , I guess if I love you , I should let you go and be happy even after I’ve embraced everything of you with opening arms and even if it meant that me not being a part of your happiness anymore.

You mightn’t be the one afterall.

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