3am thoughts , here goes nothing .
I’ve been doing pretty good for the past few days . August just started and it started well , I’ve been a month plus clean and I feel really nice about it even though there are times that I’ll look at my arms and think of relapsing again whenever I have a bad day .
Well there are days that I feel super unglamorous but I feel really happy and hoppy because really I felt I don’t give a shit about how other’s feel about my actions.
There are also days that I feel like I’m nothing to no one and that I wish I was non-existant.
I’ve also been counting my blessing a lot lately and sometimes I feel really good about myself and that I tend to smile more which I guess it’s good because I’m a paradox .
I have a dad that’s constantly reminding me how precious I am to him , The other day before he left for work , he gave me a kiss and reminded me how much he loves me & told me to be happy because that’s all he ever wanted me to be . He knew I was very hurt at a period of time when I went on a purging relapse and he got really worried because of the rate I was getting skinny even though he didn’t knew what I was doing to myself .
I didn’t get really skinny or anything I just lost about 5-6kg(?) from my original weight at a really fast rate and it physically showed. My Dad also bought A LOT of good food to fatten me up again ( which I think he did a pretty good job LOL ) even if it was expensive just because he wants me to have a full stomach and to be happy .
I also have a mom that’s constantly showering me with gifts and love from time to time . One time she got me a Pandora charm to encourage me to work hard in my studies and I got a GPA result of 3.1 on my first semester in school . I think I did okay though because I expected myself to be so much better than that but then again that period before exam I was very………dark . I couldn’t think straight even for a moment and all I wanted to do was be alone and that happened . I did nothing much during that period of time except constantly doing the things I have done to myself .
But She found out about what I’ve done to myself eventually and things became very blurry after that because of the state I was in .
She’s also the mom that would surprise me with things that would make me feel blessed from time to time and also give me whatever I need whenever I asked for it .
I also have a brother who lend me his shoulder to brawl on when things went bad and all the shit I’ve done to myself and is willing to go through the extend of spending the time with me in his arms , shaking while he strokes my hair , comforting me and telling me that I’m gonna do okay one day while he has his friend waiting for his attention . He’s someone I know I can count on when things go back and when I’m in need of advices and gives help when help is needed .
I also have another brother who found out what I’ve done in the mist of teaching me how to wash my face ( HAHAHAHA FUNNY I KNOW ) and called me stupid . But that’s not the point . He gave me a lot of time and also know when to be fun around me again . He was there to gave me virtual encouragements ( LINE HEHE ) and was there to let me know that He’s there for me even though he’s very quiet and hardly express out his thoughts ( or not ) . He has been there when I was in bed crying my heart out on nights where I felt useless and wish I was better off dead even though I doubt he knows that because all I felt was his presence be it him sleeping or awake or at least how I wanted to feel.
I also have friends that were helping me when I try hard to pull myself together again.
I have so much in my days to look forward to , I’ve been acting really silly but chirpy and happy lately and I honestly don’t give a shit about how and what others think about me anymore okay maybe like 10% I MIGHT feel affected but omgosh I just feel so……… Me . The old me . That a year ago me .
I don’t know how to express everything out at one blog post but , you know what ?
I’m pulling myself together again and then when the time comes , I’ll be back, So much better than ever , so much harder to break .
Just a little something for those who have fallen down and feels like there is nothing in life to look forward to ,
You’re going to be okay . I may not know any of you individually but I just hope that if you’re reading this , I really love you and that things IS gonna get better overtime. It’s okay to be sad it’s okay to cry it’s okay to fuck up it’s okay to be not okay , but you have to get back on your feet when time comes . Don’t let anyone have the power to make you feel what you know you DON’T deserve to feel . Things is gonna go downhill and be hard as fuck to probably crawl back up when you’re already pit bottom and while you’re digging in deeper than you already at , the lowest you can be at. You’re not alone in this , there might be someone out there feeling the same way as you , having no one to talk to or rely on but you won’t know now ,would you?They’re good at hiding their true emotions . So talk to someone about how you feel even though you might think that they don’t give a shit about you because, who knows? They’re going through the same thing as you are and both of you can encourage each other to be better for the sake of you and yourself. AND IF They really don’t give a shit about you even after you pour your heart out , YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO . Remove them from your life because you deserve people who cares and will do anything to protect your heart with you from getting any hurt from anyone else.
And to those who have friends that are going through that dark period , PLEASE……Be there for them , talk to them and check up on them from time to time , and if they say that they’re ‘fine‘ , please ask them on their wellbeing more (talk about how they’ve been feeling recently etc ) or that if they have done anything good about their life recently , and if they didn’t , ask them out and do crazy shit together and if they don’t want to , convince them because you never know how much one really needs to get back up again .
The last thing you ever want to do for a friend that’s going through that dark period is leave them alone and out of your lives because every day that they’re living , is a day without sunlight and a world full of demons that gives them nothing but torture and hopefully …..one day, they won’t let those demons win .
If any of you need help or someone to talk to , you can always talk to me at twitter ( @lovethatexist ) , Ask fm ( ask.fm/gracesnoopy ) or Line ( graceyygabrielle ) or maybe comment on this post or any other post 🙂
Think of something that makes you happy & stay that way my loves.