Oh god I hate crying. 

Crying means I no longer have the control on the demons that are swimming around in my head. 

Panic attacks while crying is the worst because I can barely take a breath to even try to calm myself down. 

You had your fair share in the past, but why is it that when this happens to me, I am deemed useless and unappreciative? I don’t appreciate what you’ve done? Actually I do, I swear to God I do. But I cannot bear to have myself be pressurised by you and do things your way. I cannot work that way. You said I am weak minded, I agree. But I swear, day by day I am trying to strengthen myself again but just because you don’t see me struggling, means I am not trying. You asked me, what do I want to do in the future? I said I don’t know but the truth is that the only future I see right now is death. But I can’t say that out loud, can I? Because I am not giving you the answer you want. Trying to stay alive and be positive while pushing death to the back of your head it’s torturing as it is but you can’t see it now, can you? You were there, maybe for not the same reasons, but you were there. To hear you says such words to me broke the walls I was trying to build in my head for the toxic ones, but you will never know that now. I am lucky? Yeah to a certain extent I Guess. I’m sorry I’m not strong tonight. I am sorry. 


2 thoughts on “

  1. Grace, trust me when I say this.
    You are strong.

    I’m not here to tell you to grow up or tell you that I understand your pain, cause honestly we all come from different backgrounds, suffer from different trauma.
    Just wanted you to know that there are other people who might be going through what you are currently experiencing.

    I know that sometimes, you just feel like giving up because it’s just too hard.
    But don’t give up, you’ve already fought for so long. It’s fine if you are not able to put up that strong front, it’s fine to take a break from being strong sometimes.

    I guess that’s all I can actually offer to tell you. I’m glad that you have yet to give up even when your demons can’t be drowned anymore.

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