It’s been awhile.
I’ve been wanting to write for some time now but nothing feels right for me. There are nights where I lie awake and think about my future, about the decisions I had made prior to who I am right now. Did I made the right decision to quit studying in Higher Nitec this year because of how I was feeling? Should I have sucked it up and continued studying for the next two years on a course I am 100% not interested in? Did I made the right decision to try and let my mother understand where I’m coming from and how I feel deep down which in the end just made our relationship more strained?
At this point right now, I find myself very frustrated. Frustrated about family issues, about money, Do I really want to start working? Do I really want to sit around and continue writing about issues like depression, eating disorders, anxieties etc. that are not often talked about as “Feminism” or “body-shaming”(just to name 2)* in the current society because they are taboo topics? Do I really want to talk about it when I myself am still trying to heal the damage I’ve inflicted on myself? Do I have the rights to talk it when I feel like a wreck myself?
*I know I’d probably at least talk about body shaming some day because I have some experience on that when I was younger.*
In this society, majority of the youths out there are suffering from something that could do/are doing harm on themselves right now be it mentally, physically or emotionally and yet being terrified to seek help because of the judgement Society will express when they are trying to share what they have…It pains me. It really does. We have too many broken souls out there that needs help. Deep down, I can feel the silencing pain from the core of my heart and the only thing I want to do when I feel it… is trying to understand it. Trying to understand what they are going through, trying to understand the things they do, trying to see if I can do anything to help. Also, I just want to hold them and cry with them and tell them it’s okay to stay with the pain, but we have to at least try to stop dwelling on it and move on when it’s time.
Despite everything I am feeling, the things I am stressing over at this moment, I really want to do something positive for this generation while at the same time let them find comfort at the fact that there are people out there that are hurting too just that we all deal with our pain in different ways. We all have our own unorthodox(or not) methods of healing, of moving on, of finding reasons to deal with the pain as long as you think you deserve.
I just want to let you, readers, know that despite wanting to help society and putting such a strong message out there and trying to educate or having people find comfort in my words, I am not strong nor am I confident in myself as you too because I am an introvert and extrovert at the same time.
One thing about me is that I always let anxiety get the best out of me. I exert self-doubt but self-assurance. I’m cheerful but awkwardly shy. I’m verbal but self-conscious. Self loathing but also self loved at certain parts of me? The list goes on.
The thing is, who would listen to a 19 year old lady touch on such heavy topics while knowing that she doesn’t feel confident when it comes to herself too? How do I assert confidence and share powerful messages of topics that aren’t talked about often in this society and show people how deafening the pain would be if we were to not acknowledge it?
That how many people are actually suffering in silence because they are afraid to share and even if they do, they get judged? That it is not okay to brush your depression aside because you think your mental health is not that important to talk about? That your anxiety is making you a nervous wreck when you have to make decisions or that going out makes it hard for you to breathe because you are surrounded by strangers? Or eating a certain portion of food makes you feel nauseous and self conscious because you feel like you had too much t0 eat? That all you want to do is stick a finger or two down your throat and puke it all out? Or looking at your reflection in the mirror, watching the number on your weighing scale increase hurts your self esteem and thinking you are fat and the only thing that would make you feel happy is if the scale drops?…………………………..
I just wish and hope that one day, My message would be spread across and around the world and let people know that things like these matters, that is it essential to know so that they can seek or give help when needed. For now, I’ll just try to share the word out as much as I can without feeling like a nervous wreck. x
P/s: Please share if you find this relatable or to someone you care about that’s suffering in silence or anyone in general if you find that this could actually help someone out there. It really helps to know that people actually care about them. I know it did to me. xx