I’ve been fantasizing about death a lot lately , come to me ,will you?

I had the worst blackout yet yesterday . I ”woke up” with my hands shaking while scrolling through our photos. it was absolutely horrible that I had to scream and a l m o s t tried killing myself again . 

I’m proud to say that I’m four days clean today .

 

But I am also devastated to say that I won’t be any longer. That urge just keeps coming and I’ll let it take over me because I just can’t do it without my blade. It’s an addiction and I wish I could take a easier alternative for a coward like me to jump off but I can’t because I am afraid of heights . I need someone to push me down.

Today it’s such a bad day . My friends found out about my scars and wanted to find out why I did it but all I could do was trying so hard not to break down and have anxiety attack once they mention about you . 

and then I had my classmates calling me nicknames . It was miserable . I’m at home with no one I can look for help to except the blade that’s resting on my thigh . left or right now ? 

Answer is both . I’ll ruin both and it’ll be the closest feeling to death tonight. 

No one actually reads this anymore so I guess I’m just done trying to hide how i honestly feel here .

till next time , 

xgracex